Suspended in air.

So just last night, I found out I got into UC Berkeley. my first reaction was initial shock, then excitement. I had been rejected by UCLA, but I got accepted to UC Berkeley! It was one of those feelings you get when you dodged a close call. Well, that feeling has changed drastically since yesterday. Right now, I am in a state of dispair, confusion, and fear.

I got into UC Berkeley. Woopee. Now speaking realistically, I got into Berkeley. Possibly the number one UC in California. So great, people from around the world apply there, and 80% gets rejected. This means students that got accepted are extremely talented and hardworking. That's the problem. Will I be able to stay on the same level as these people? Or will I drown and end up a college dropout? Suicide rates are extremely high at Berkeley, which comes to no surprise, considering how difficult classes must be. I fear that my sanity will go down the drain if I go there.

Did I also mention the crime rate? This did not come into my mind until Mr Velasquez, my economics teacher, told me stories of his time in Berkeley. There are homeless people that live ON campus, and muggings occur often. I was told one person was stabbed to death for trying to reason with the thief. I have never encounter these events before. Will I be one of those unfortunate victims? I am on my own now, and I must look out for myself.

Speaking of living on my own. Berkeley is approximately 5 hours away by car. That means I will not be visiting home, unless it's on vacation. My visits will be rare, and possibly short. It seems that my Berkeley would begin a new chapter in my life. Its almost like my life is ending and I am being reincarnated into a new life as a Berkeley scholar. Will I become so isolated, that I will lose connection to my family? Will my personality change as well? What if I change for the worse?

The approaching moment of college steadily draws nearer by each day. The months I have left at home seem so little. It feels as though I am waiting for death, just to be born again. Many people say that I shouldn't worry about this, but I am. In a blink of an eye, I will be a college student, alone in the world. Then I'll be graduating, and figuring out a way to get by in life. Then I'll be an adult, with what family I have left. Before I know it, I'll be an old man reminiscing about the "good ol' days". I guess you can say I am living an existentialistic life right now. It seems like I am just living for the heck of it. I have no definite direction, or answer. My stomach feels empty, and my heart is unnerved. Its like those moments when you fall down a rollercoaster; when your body is suspended in air.

Over-exposure to Friends = Bad.

Man, recently, there's been a lot of annoyances in my life. Mainly friends. Many of the friends I hang out with quite often has changed. Don't get me wrong, I changed quite a bit too, but it seems some of the things my friends do makes me annoyed.

First of all, it seems that some of my friends are into that "drinking", "smoking" and "weed" phase, where all they talk about is that. It becomes annoying, especially because they know I do not favor those kinds of things, and they intend to isolate me from the conversation because of it. Eventually, however, they are cornered into a situation where they're in trouble because of it, and guess what they do? They look for me for help. Also, if they aren't in trouble, they reach this quite "hyperactive" state that brings a lot of risky situations. They tend to be more risky when driving, and obnoxious when screaming for no reason at all. Its all good fun, but it is immature.

Secondly, there has been a particular person that I have grown annoyed at. He isn't what he used to be. It seems that we're aren't friends anymore, and he tends to act indifferently to our conversations. When I make a mistake, however, he is the first to insult or emphasis my mistake. What do I mean by that? Well, there was a time when I made a mistake, and apologized to someone. When I said that, my friend replies with "Sorry doesn't mean shit". It was a minor thing too. I understand that he wishes to correct flaws in people's actions, but I have come to realize that the way he does it is rude, and indifferent to that person's feelings.

Third and last on the list, are competitive couples. "The winterball boom" is what they call it. I have several friends that are dating one another, and I myself am as well. What I find quite annoying is the fact that these couples tend to get quite competitive against me when it comes to which relationship is better. They brag about their relationships, and often criticize mines. I know you like who you're dating, and I do too, but it doesn't mean that you can insult another couple just to make yourself look better.

I have alot to rant about tonight, and a lot of this has been bothering me. Most of those "usual" friends I hang out with have changed quite a bit. It may be the fact that I hang around them too much, but nonetheless, I do not like it. The musical, classes, and tight schedules have forced me to face the same people everyday. It seems I am unable to reach those close friends of mines that I used to talk to everyday, and I'm faced with those that are good friends, but also those I cannot intimately talk to in a one on one level.

A Sudden Stand-Still.

Now Playing: LMFAO - I'm In LA Bitch


Argh. I'm am awfully pissed off today. Especially because of the musical. Part of me actually regrets joining this, because it has indeed, consumed a heck load of my hours. First of all, rehearsals are often dragged on until 7pm at night. There are many reasons for this. Just to name a few, people tend to forget their lines or places, even though they've been placed several times there; Some just can't show emotion, and act like they're just emotionless; other times, some people begin joking around and crap, especially during their scene; aside from the students, it seems to me that the teachers/directors are quite hypocritical at times. Today especially pissed me off. Why? Well, first off, our "director" seemed believe the work we put into the play was crap, and stand indifferently in the audience for half the rehearsal. During the first half, many people breezed through the scenes like nothing. Finally, the director shows up and begins giving out commands. We begin the scene, with all our efforts to play the parts as "pirates", and eventually he begins yelling at us. Why? Because we were swordfighting, which was part of the play. He then said the phrase "This is not a playground". That just made me more mad. Severals weeks ago, he had said "A play is all about rediscovering the child in your, hence it is called a 'play'". Hypocritical? I think so.

The rehearsal has not been the only thing thats been bugging me. College admissions are finally coming out. However, every day I spend checking the mail is just another disappointment and further anticipation. The emails seem to not come at all, and even the financial aid I applied for seemed to be processing in such a slow pace. With every second I wait, my anticipation grows, and my fears along with it. This whole week of waiting has caused great stress over me.

I am unable to spend time with her lately. It's killing me. It seems like I can never find a time where I can just see her for at minimum an hour. The rehearsal has preoccupied both of us, and we are both tired out by the end of the day to call each other. Also, it seems though that whenever I try to make time to spend it with her, she refuses or is unable to go. Those days where I could just spend it entirely with her seems to be quite impossible now. I feel great fear over this, and I fight against my own thoughts that the fears I think about. Indeed, it has been awhile since I've been able to spend it with her. Backwards was a night that I thought I could be with her. Oh how was I wrong. Despite the whole night of spending it with her, it seemed to me that something was bugging her. Part of me feels that she doesn't want to go to things like dances. Perhaps I am becoming too attached.

Finally, Many of my homework assignments have been piling up recently. What do I blame? The musical. Seriously. I have biology, statistics, and english homework thats being pushed back due to rehearsals. I don't think I can even complete them all on time. Kill me now.

All Aboard the Fail Boat

Now Playing: Ne-Yo - Stay



Dang, so recently, alot of my academics are at its lowest. I think it's the senioritis kicking in. I have a D in two classes, and I am pretty sure I am on academic probation. The musical is one of the reasons why I'm in this mess. Practice is until 7pm, and that does not give enough time for me to study. Argh. Once its over, I'm pretty sure I can bump it up though. So far, I have been accepted to Cal Poly, Cal State LA, and Riverside. Wow, none of them are that great.

Anyhow, tomorrow is backwards. I was thinking about dressing with a shirt that has a dandelion and a lion in it, with my date. Don't understand why? Go youtube "bump of chicken dandelion". Haha, yes. Thats where I got the idea from. Hopefully it'll turn out cool.

Graduation is in 3 months. Should I start counting? Ugh. It seems so far, yet close. Its a feeling almost every senior hates. Well i'm going to stop blogging, the only reason I did today was to try implementing a new music player. Hehe.

OH YEAH! I can drive now! :]. Woo. Party!