Start Anew.

I've gone through a certain phase many have gone through. The abandonment of a blog in hopes of creating a newer one. I am switching to tumblr. I have too many memories I do not wish to look at in this blog for the time being. Tumblr is also more convienent for my needs. Follow me on:

jezze.tumblr.com

. . .

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I feel like vomiting. My hands keep shaking. My eyes are growing bags under them, and I can't think properly. I failed my quizzes. I don't really care. I am so confused. I am afraid. I am mad. I am sad. I just feel lifeless. Why does it have to be this way. How did it happen so quick. I don't want it to be this way. I don't want any of this. I want to change what I said. I want to change that day. I didn't want you to say those things. I hate myself. I can't barely get passed each day. I just dont want to lose her. I can't lose her.

I just can't.

College Life Begins!

Finally, college life officially begins. Today is the day when I first go to class. It is currently 9:03 AM in the morning, and my class will begin at 10:00AM. I am lucky to even have such a late schedule. I woke up at 7:30 however, to eat breakfast and refresh myself before going to my first class, which is Math 16A.

The past few days have been really busy, with events organized by clubs that are hoping for you to join. Socializing seems to be quite common here in Berkeley, because one-fourth of the students are newcomers looking for a inner circle of friends. I, myself, have met quite an abundant amount of people. Sadly, when meeting these new students, I find myself forgetting their names almost immediately. Faces are much more recognizable. People at Berkeley are very social, and are very well mannered. They have great tolerance and one can easily keep a conversation with them.

What I'm most worried about right now is the men's chorale auditions taking place this afternoon. I do not know what music piece to sing, nor what they are expecting. I am music illiterate, and I tend to do worse under an audience. I am crossing my fingers and hoping that I would make it.

My parents have been calling me alot, perhaps three times a day. I do miss them, but there are alot of events going on at Berkeley. It is really hard to even be at my dorm before 11PM. I miss everyone in Rosemead, but I don't really have the time to contact them or anything. It's hard to open up time for such things as that, though I know I should. On occasion, however, I have had friends text me, asking how I am and everything. Its great to get those texts, despite the little responses that I text back with.

Anyhow, Berkeley is indeed a refreshing and beautiful campus filled with life. I wouldn't be surprised if I end up whining when Thanksgiving or Christmas comes around. Then again, I do that when I go from Rosemead to Berkeley as well. Anyhow, classes begin soon, so I will end my blog now.

The Day the Plot Thickens

Here was the plan. I was supposed to wake up at 1pm, and start driving to her house. I would then pick her up from her house and then take her to Huntington Library without her knowing, and it being her first time. After a hard and long walk around the gardens, all the while taking pictures and looking at the flowers, we would sit at a secluded area underneath a big tree of some sort. I would then give her the gift that she had not noticed that I was holding that whole time. When she opens it, it would be a jar, with a note and a star necklace in it. I would say some cheesy line, and we would sit under the tree for several minutes. The sun would eventually go down, and I'd take her to dinner. After dinner I would drive her to the mountains and we would watch the city lights, and I would hold her tightly. That was how I hoped it would end up.

Not necessarily the case. Here's what really happened. I picked her up at 1:30pm, after waiting for my mom to run errands with her car. I drove her to Huntington Library, which turns out she went to before. She gave me directions to even drive there. When we got off, she saw me hold the gift and asked me what it was. I told her to wait. We walked around the gardens and eventually I just gave her the gift. She sat down in a crowded area, saw a glimpse of it, and closed it. We walked several more minutes until she found a secluded area and finally opened it completely. It was the gift I had described. She put it on and we continued exploring. It came time to leave, but the sun was still up. She was not hungry either. I ended up taking her to eat some shaved ice. Afterwards, we went to a market to look at stores and videos. We ended up at quicklys, where she ate popcorn chicken and drank boba. We went to my car, and hugged for awhile. Then I drove her to 88 steps, and showed her a slightly decent view of the city. I eventually dropped her home.

So the note says...

"I hate looking at the stars because I look at the same ones as you do, without me"
Remember those reasons listed as to why I love you? Well there's more of those than there are stars.
Remember me. Wait for me. Keep loving me. I will be back.
Always and Forever, Jesse.

Despite how off my plan was, I think I am happy with the day. I spent it with her, and that's just what I wanted. So I will not be able to see her for four months. I won't know if she will change or anything. I can only hear her voice on the telephone. The only thing I can do is live through these hard times. Despite how hard it is, I realize now that our relationship is strong enough to survive such a distance. There was one thing that I had forgotten to say to her today though. It was not 'I love you' or 'I will miss you'. I knew it was the day, and I planned to say it. It just crossed my mind. I wanted to say...

Happy 5 months.
3.21.09

The Distance.

2 Weeks exactly until I leave for good. The oncoming date is steadily approaching, and each day builds up more tension. I miss her dearly. I feel as though I am growing apart from her, but in truth, I am growing too attached. I don't know what to do. This tension has brought forth frustration and anger. I get mad at the littlest things. I believe it is truly best if I become less attached, and not try to see her. I don't know what is the best thing to do. Should I spend every waking moment with her before I leave, or avoid the hardship and pain, and keep the distance? That I don't know.

<3 Kim So Eun

So I was watching Boys Before Flowers, because my girl kept talking about it. It seemed interesting, despite the fact that I knew the storyline already. So around episode 6, one particular character caught my eye. Her name is Ga Eul, and she is extremely cute! I told Yiqian about it and turns out she agreed. Hah, awkward. :X.But not she tops my list of cutest celebrities! Go Kim So Eun FIGHTING! <3>

Oh and yes, this blog post is very asian indeed.

Stream of Consciousness

Well, you heard of 'stream of consciousness' in your high school english class before right? It's when you just write about whatever comes to mind at the moment. I find it a good way to analyze your self as well as pass time. I shall try it on this blog post. Many of this may not make sense, so here we go.

Theres an itch on my foot. I would scratch it, but it'll only itch more. Berkeley dorm life is going to be nice. A balcony and restrooms. Wow. Hmmm, that means only 3 people will use my restroom. Interesting. Well, I am rather hungry right now. Ugh, but its late. That means I have to cook, and it's not healthy. Eff it, I won't eat. OMG, Nobody by Wondergirl's is stuck in my head. Damn them Koreans. Their dancing and music are all so superb. I wish i could join a dance crew in Berkeley. Dude, if I do, I probably would need to know some dance routines to audition. I don't know crap. The good ones can probably windmill and all that junk. I wish I could dance like that. I need a way to express myself. Drawing is one way. I would sing, but my voice is horrible. How did I get into choir? I mean, I sing mediocre. I can't reach falsetto anymore either. Ugh. I wish I was a countertenor. That would be awesome. Man life sucks. I wish I was living a life focused in arts and music. I need a good medium to express myself. Hmmm. Berkeley classes will be hard. Oh god, why am I thinking about Berkeley already!? I'm leaving in a month. Oh my god. That means I will only see those people I hang out with for one more month. What am I to do when they leave? My whole life is starting anew. Its like a new season of a series. New friends. New life. I'll be alone more often than before. Im...done.

Hmmm, that didn't turn out as fluidly as I thought it would. I guess I can't change what thoughts come out of my head. Okay finish and post! Analyze in another day.

Video Blog Entry Number 1

Good Bye Emily!

Its pretty damn late. 4:13 AM, and my living room light is still on. I am so caught up with playing with my DJ system and perfecting mixes for my future career as a DJ! I already had my lame premiere at the senior pool party :P. Maybe next time I can make people dance.

Anyhow (I say anyhow alot on my blogs), Emily just texted me. She says "I hate you. You make me cry. Be safe at Berkeley :(". I think the reason was because I gave a CD of all the songs that we created memories from. I laughed, because it wasn't a big deal. I mean I made the cd while rushing to go home in 20 minutes from Emily's house. Well, I got around to looking around at my own songs that I put in and listened to them all individually, when I realized..."Damn, she really is leaving. Oh my god, this song and that song. Wow, we were such good friends, even if it was only for 2 years! These songs weren't even songs that I shared with Em, it was with Irving, and everybody I hung out with too! Eventually I reread the text.

"Have fun at Berkeley."

Oh my god. Today was the last day I'd see her until winter. Which means I will face so much new experiences without her. College, dorm life and everything. Right now as I type this, tears well up in my eyes. I am laughing at myself for crying. This is worse than graduation. WTF. Thank god my family is asleep. So for those curious, this is the playlist.

• Amy Adams - Thats How You Know
• Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling
• Estelle - American Boy
• Fall Out Boy - Tiffany Blews
• Hot Chip - Ready for the Floor
• Jason Mraz - Lucky
• Lady GaGa - Poker Face
• Lady GaGa - Starstruck
• Lenka - The Show
• MYMP - Tell Me Where It Hurts
• One Republic - Stop and Stare
• Shontelle - T Shirt
• Stars - The Night Starts Here
• Chris Brown - Freeze
• Wicked - Defying Gravity
• Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps
• Aaradnha - Getting Stronger
• Wondergirls - Nobody
• And "ITS A TRAP"

Some quotes that kill me when I listen to these songs...

• "The time we had, the task at hand [...] the ecstacy of being free, the big black cloud over you and me"
• "Take me on a trip I like to go someday, Take me to New York I'd love to see LA"
• "How does she know you love her?" (As a friend! :[)
• "Tonights the night, lets live it up!"
• "I'm not a crybaby, I'm THE crybaby" (lol, ironic)
• "Why don't you open up at all, we are ready, we are ready for the fall"
• "Do you hear me talking to you across the ocean, across the deep blue sky"
• "Groove Slam Work It Back, Filter That, Baby Bump That Track" :]
• "I'm just a little stuck in the middle, life is a maze"
  
• "Why don't you tell me where it hurts, oh baby?"
• "With nothing but you T SHIRT ON (in harmony)"
• "Nothing feels right when I'm not with you"
• "Ahhhhhhh......FREEZE! Like me!"
• "Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity"
• The maps guitar solo <3
• "And the things that I face are the same things that you can help me to overcome"
• "And if you think you can tell me why the things I'm doing wrong. Its just me getting stronger"
• "I don't want nobody, nobody but you! *clap clap*" CHOKYOOOO

Well, after typing all this, the music on my playlist is over. I think I am done crying my heart out for good ol' em. Good luck Emily (Or Emm-kun on my phone)! Have fun at New York! I hope you will tell me everything that happens when we see again this christmas. I'm sure I have millions to tell you about Berkeley.

See you later Emily!

Chiropractor Disappointment

So after that recent car accident I had, I've been somewhat forced to go to the local 'chiropractor' to ensure that I am as healthy as I was before the crash. In fact, they want me to go so bad, it's going to be free. Huh, not bad. Well, after my first sessions, my impression of a chiropractor went from positive to negative. You've seen chiropractors in televisions shows before. You know...like the time Phoebe from Friends worked as a chiropractor and got her butt touched by Rachel's boyfriend (that's the first thing that came to mind). Well, sadly, it wasn't that way. No hand massages. No relaxation. No nudity. No pretty girl to rub your back. So what would one experience in the modern day chiropractic session? Well, let me just give you an account of my experience.

Cindy and I went to the chiropractor yesterday for the first time. As I walked into the office will the typical impression one has of a chiropractor, I noticed a cute receptionist. I thought, 'woohoo, that will be my chiropractor as well'. Anyhow, I signed in and waited several minutes. Cindy got called in first, and eventually they called me. The receptionist walked me to the room, but walked out. The chiropractor turned out to be a man. Well, at least it wasn't those hulks you see in those comedy shows. So he asks me several questions about my back. The thing was, I had nothing wrong with it. Again, I was forced to go to the chiropractor. So I ended up basically saying no to everyone of his 'does this hurt?' questions.

So after that, it was massage time! Woo hoo, relaxation here we come! I laid down on the bed or whatever you call it, and waited. Well folks, turns out you don't need to take off your clothes. The chiropractor then informed me that he was going to give me a electric massage. I looked up and saw sever small pads with wires attached to them. They looked freaky, and scary. So instead of the hand massage, the chiropractor stuck the pads onto my back and turned on the machine. He walked off afterwards.

The massage itself wasn't that relaxing. It felt like gremlins were dancing on my back. I literally felt no ease of pain or anything. Heck, I ended up taking out my phone and texted during that session. The machine finally stopped and beeped. I heard the sound of footsteps coming my way and as the door opened, my eye glistened with hope. It was the receptionist, ready to finish my massage. Hehehe :D. She pulled off those ridiculous pads and went for the lotion. Oh hell yes. Then the chiropractor man came in and took the bottle and rubbed it on my back. FML. He then said 'Thank you'. Huh? Thank you for what? 'You may leave'. WTF. That was it. That was all that they did, and I went home. Total ridiculousness.

Well, my impression of the chiropractor has completely changed. I mean, chiropractors are supposed to be classified as doctors. They have a certificate for christ sake. How much do they get paid to put on a pad on your back and rub lotion on you? Heck, I want that job if it pays well! Total disappointment. So that was my experience folks. Never ever pay for a chiropractor. Its just sad. Oh and if my girlfriend is reading this, then she's probably going to yell as me for the receptionist girl :x. Hi baby. Ehehe ^^".

Damn Vestigial Organ

So I woke up today and realized today was the day I would take out my wisdom teeth. If you're like me, you'd be hella scared (I said 'hella'). Well, I was. At 10AM I went to the Dental Surgeon. Seriously, that is his title. Who the hell would have such a scary title!? Anyhow, I went in and to my surprise, saw Danny Ma. Jump for joy! I wasn't alone. I looked through the appointment list and found Anna Ma's name too! Double jump for joy! I signed my name and sat down. Anna came out after several minutes and I asked her countless questions about the operation. She told me the 'shot' was the most painful part, but the rest wasn't so bad. Well, she was right. The shot felt like someone was scratching your gums. They shot about 8 shots in my gums (Yes, I counted). Basically, I analyzed the whole surgery, despite the fact that I was listening to my music on full blast. For those of you who will have your wisdom teeth taken out, here is how the surgery goes. (I'm using the word surgery to scare you guys :]).

So first, you are taken to an x-ray room. No big deal. The real fun start when they put topical medicine on your gums. They then inject several shots into your gums to numb your teeth. This varies from dentist to dentist however. They will then leave you alone for about 10 minutes for the injection to spread throughout the mouth. They will then test it by stabbing a metal stick into your teeth. It won't hurt that bad. The process begins there. They then start drilling your teeth area (from what I felt). If you have two on one side, they will drill both at the same time, even though it felt like they did only the bottom. They will then literally ply out the tooth. Rinse, repeat on other side. It wasn't so bad, because it seems to only take 10 minutes. Afterwards, you bite on a gauze and they will instruct you on how to treat your teeth. My advice is this: Take all of the wisdom teeth out at once. The time they take to do additional ones are only several minutes longer, and you won't have to renumb, go back and deal with all the crap again. You don't even feel a difference.

Anyhow, my face feels really swollen and the anesthetics have not worn out yet. I cannot talk, nor can I feel my face. I don't feel stupider (Yes, I know 'stupider' is not a word). I think I should nap and ice my face. I'll wake up to hell, I suppose.

The Day the Grunions Came.

We camped out early. Several hours earlier, in fact. In our car trunk housed equipment that would be used to capture and house several dozen fishes. We sat along the coast, waiting under the moonlight for them to come. Each indistinguishable wave signified the soon arrival of the grunions. The team was fatigued from the wait, but would not let down their guard. A young boy ran to the coast with a net and stabbed it towards the ground. He then lifted it up, and his face suddenly changed expression. We then knew it was time.

Everyone sitting ran to the waters with nets, pots, pans, and buckets. The grunions had arrived and everyone was going to take home dozens, maybe hundreds. The tides suddenly illuminated with a silvery glow. It was the grunion's scales reflecting off the moonlight. The tide hit the shore and all over the coast, there were grunions. People dived and ran. Back and forth, each wave of grunion army attacked. There were thousands, perhaps even millions. It was the battle to end all battles. It was a battle that was greater than D-Day. It was even more dramatic than the helms deep scene in Lord of the Rings. People were on the ground, wrestling 5 inch grunions and trying to bring them to their buckets. Others were midair, diving for that one retreating grunion. Waves upon waves of grunions attacked, each growing in numbers. The battle lasted on for hours, but at last the glistening sunlight shined over the eastern horizon. The grunions had retreated. Everyone shouted in victory as they took home their share of the defeated grunion army. The world would live to see another day. Mankind will remain the dominant species.

Alright, the last paragraph was a little exaggerated. Okay REALLY exaggerated, but that was the scenario I was expecting hours prior to the run. No grunions were harm. Heck there weren't even any. Well, unless you count the dozens that the neighboring group of people caught. What a failure. Sadly, the grunions would not come (no pun intended).

An Empty Summer.

Ne Yo - Go On Girl

Senior year is over. Graduation has come and gone. Many of those acquantances have disappeared. So now it is summer. July 5th, to be exact. It is weird. Part of me feels like i should embrace Carpe Diem and just live my last summer wildly before I head to Berkeley. That's kind of hard, considering theres not much I can do. Summer is completely boring, and I am sure this is the same for many others. I want to really do things with the friends I stil have. The ones that I hold dearest, but for some reason I cannot.
I wanted to spend my family discovering or rediscovering my home. That is, I wanted to explore Rosemead, along with my friends, and reminisce about the nostalgic past that is held within certain locations. It seems however, many of my friends do not feel the same way. Many choose to not spend money, or sleep in, or go other places. The last couple of days have been spent im my room, or at home, because I could not find anyone that would follow me on my adventures. Not everyone is like that however. It seems when I actually do find friends to join me, we have no where to go. How horrible.
Aside from that, yesterday was July 4th. I spent it with Yiqian in the afternoon. I stayed up the night prior until 5AM, and woke up 7AM in hopes of driving her to the parade. She insisted that I didn't and told me to go back to sleep. At 9AM, I woke up and began cooking and making lunch for my girl. I finally saw her at 1PM, and spent several hours with her swimming. Afterwards I had a Barbeque at Cindy's. This paragraph, I just realized, has turned into a journal entry. So enough summarizing! Throughout my whole life, I watched movies and have gotten the dream instilled in me of watching fireworks with a girl, sitting next to her, and holding her beside the waist when it did happen. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that, because when we did, her father called her and was looking for her. We ended up spending July 4th several feet apart, watching the fireworks, and bidding farewell immediately afterwards. Bummer.
"I will spend every moment with her during the summer before I leave to Berkeley". That was what I said to people when they asked me how I will handle leaving her for college. Well, It seems like everything is against me right now. First, she moved to a city several miles away, so I cannot see her every day. I cannot even drive to her, because her parents won't let her go out, or let guests come in. That wasn't that bad, as long as I could talk to her. Now however, she's taking a trip to China for a month. This drastically narrows down the time I will have with her. I cannot see her, nor talk to her on the phone when she is in China. She will then come back one week before I leave to Berkeley. Realistically, that means I will have only 3 to 4 days to spend with her before I leave. Those moments I have envisioned spending with her seemed to have gone down the drain. I guess I will be spending my last summer with other people.

Time to Grow Up?

Well, here I am yet again, blogging about my life after not updating this for months. I guess it's better if I naturally blog about things, it makes things less of an obligation. Anyhow everything nowadays seems to be happening quite naturally, with no exact destination as to where I am going or what I am doing. I guess it's because high school is inevitably ending in a month.

I found myself looking back at my high school past and reminiscing about alot of things, all the while thinking about how I got to where I am. Mixed feelings come to mind really, because I am feeling happy, sad, scared, and shocked at the same time. I remember freshmen registration, I went to register for classes and people I didn't talk to just said hello to me, because they hadn't seen me all summer. I had my first cellphone, a samsung barphone, which Lisa Phe also had. Then I remember telling myself high school would be different, I would change myself and work hard.

I then remember suddenly talking to Victor Chan at 5th period, and accepting his offer to run with him for ASB. I did not know what I was getting myself into, and all I knew was ASB was something that people wanted to be in. I also remember my brother's friend telling me "If you want to be successful in high school, join ASB". Well, once I joined I got myself into responsibilities I had never dealth with before, but I felt that I had to do the duties given to me. I started meeting people starting then, especially seniors.

Sophomore year...was interesting. I spent another year in ASB, and started developing the "close" friends amongst everyone I met. Kendrick, who I met through his sister, Eunice, through ASB became one of those close friends. He told me about ASB things that his sister tells her. I eventually became close friends with Betty, who I started talking to because she joined ASB that year. Cindy was another one, mainly because I needed a candidate to run with sophomore year, and Kendrick suggested her. Everything ended catastrophically sophomore year, and It was the first time I felt the stress of high school, friends, and everything.

Junior year was a year where I grew substantially. I stopped ASB, and began Cross-Country. Steven became a good friend to me, though we hadn't talk since 7th grade. I became part of the Cross Country family, and I spent my first year in A Cappella choir during junior year as well. My classes were little, and quite simple, so I ended up having time to create bonds with the people I knew. There were times when I realized that I truly was a teenager, especially when I thought about ridiculous things like cliques and stuff.

Now I come to my senior year, and it seems like I'm just finishing my high school year. All the things I was afraid of doing, I ended up doing all during this year. I finally met a girl that I feel especially close to, and I stood on stage, alone or with others, and I attempted to become Vice president of the whole school. Unfortunately, I have also felt a lack of interest in the things that interested me freshmen year. Dances aren't as fun, and I'd rather be home than wasting time sitting in the park with friends. I think that I am growing out of the old things and I don't want to. It feels like high school was only memorable because I tried my butt off to become someone I'd be happy to look at in the mirror. Now college is coming, and I am 4 hours away from home. I have only a handful of people that are going there with me, and they probably won't even see me that often. It's a time to start all over, but will I be able to enjoy it as I did high school? I don't know.

Suspended in air.

So just last night, I found out I got into UC Berkeley. my first reaction was initial shock, then excitement. I had been rejected by UCLA, but I got accepted to UC Berkeley! It was one of those feelings you get when you dodged a close call. Well, that feeling has changed drastically since yesterday. Right now, I am in a state of dispair, confusion, and fear.

I got into UC Berkeley. Woopee. Now speaking realistically, I got into Berkeley. Possibly the number one UC in California. So great, people from around the world apply there, and 80% gets rejected. This means students that got accepted are extremely talented and hardworking. That's the problem. Will I be able to stay on the same level as these people? Or will I drown and end up a college dropout? Suicide rates are extremely high at Berkeley, which comes to no surprise, considering how difficult classes must be. I fear that my sanity will go down the drain if I go there.

Did I also mention the crime rate? This did not come into my mind until Mr Velasquez, my economics teacher, told me stories of his time in Berkeley. There are homeless people that live ON campus, and muggings occur often. I was told one person was stabbed to death for trying to reason with the thief. I have never encounter these events before. Will I be one of those unfortunate victims? I am on my own now, and I must look out for myself.

Speaking of living on my own. Berkeley is approximately 5 hours away by car. That means I will not be visiting home, unless it's on vacation. My visits will be rare, and possibly short. It seems that my Berkeley would begin a new chapter in my life. Its almost like my life is ending and I am being reincarnated into a new life as a Berkeley scholar. Will I become so isolated, that I will lose connection to my family? Will my personality change as well? What if I change for the worse?

The approaching moment of college steadily draws nearer by each day. The months I have left at home seem so little. It feels as though I am waiting for death, just to be born again. Many people say that I shouldn't worry about this, but I am. In a blink of an eye, I will be a college student, alone in the world. Then I'll be graduating, and figuring out a way to get by in life. Then I'll be an adult, with what family I have left. Before I know it, I'll be an old man reminiscing about the "good ol' days". I guess you can say I am living an existentialistic life right now. It seems like I am just living for the heck of it. I have no definite direction, or answer. My stomach feels empty, and my heart is unnerved. Its like those moments when you fall down a rollercoaster; when your body is suspended in air.

Over-exposure to Friends = Bad.

Man, recently, there's been a lot of annoyances in my life. Mainly friends. Many of the friends I hang out with quite often has changed. Don't get me wrong, I changed quite a bit too, but it seems some of the things my friends do makes me annoyed.

First of all, it seems that some of my friends are into that "drinking", "smoking" and "weed" phase, where all they talk about is that. It becomes annoying, especially because they know I do not favor those kinds of things, and they intend to isolate me from the conversation because of it. Eventually, however, they are cornered into a situation where they're in trouble because of it, and guess what they do? They look for me for help. Also, if they aren't in trouble, they reach this quite "hyperactive" state that brings a lot of risky situations. They tend to be more risky when driving, and obnoxious when screaming for no reason at all. Its all good fun, but it is immature.

Secondly, there has been a particular person that I have grown annoyed at. He isn't what he used to be. It seems that we're aren't friends anymore, and he tends to act indifferently to our conversations. When I make a mistake, however, he is the first to insult or emphasis my mistake. What do I mean by that? Well, there was a time when I made a mistake, and apologized to someone. When I said that, my friend replies with "Sorry doesn't mean shit". It was a minor thing too. I understand that he wishes to correct flaws in people's actions, but I have come to realize that the way he does it is rude, and indifferent to that person's feelings.

Third and last on the list, are competitive couples. "The winterball boom" is what they call it. I have several friends that are dating one another, and I myself am as well. What I find quite annoying is the fact that these couples tend to get quite competitive against me when it comes to which relationship is better. They brag about their relationships, and often criticize mines. I know you like who you're dating, and I do too, but it doesn't mean that you can insult another couple just to make yourself look better.

I have alot to rant about tonight, and a lot of this has been bothering me. Most of those "usual" friends I hang out with have changed quite a bit. It may be the fact that I hang around them too much, but nonetheless, I do not like it. The musical, classes, and tight schedules have forced me to face the same people everyday. It seems I am unable to reach those close friends of mines that I used to talk to everyday, and I'm faced with those that are good friends, but also those I cannot intimately talk to in a one on one level.

A Sudden Stand-Still.

Now Playing: LMFAO - I'm In LA Bitch


Argh. I'm am awfully pissed off today. Especially because of the musical. Part of me actually regrets joining this, because it has indeed, consumed a heck load of my hours. First of all, rehearsals are often dragged on until 7pm at night. There are many reasons for this. Just to name a few, people tend to forget their lines or places, even though they've been placed several times there; Some just can't show emotion, and act like they're just emotionless; other times, some people begin joking around and crap, especially during their scene; aside from the students, it seems to me that the teachers/directors are quite hypocritical at times. Today especially pissed me off. Why? Well, first off, our "director" seemed believe the work we put into the play was crap, and stand indifferently in the audience for half the rehearsal. During the first half, many people breezed through the scenes like nothing. Finally, the director shows up and begins giving out commands. We begin the scene, with all our efforts to play the parts as "pirates", and eventually he begins yelling at us. Why? Because we were swordfighting, which was part of the play. He then said the phrase "This is not a playground". That just made me more mad. Severals weeks ago, he had said "A play is all about rediscovering the child in your, hence it is called a 'play'". Hypocritical? I think so.

The rehearsal has not been the only thing thats been bugging me. College admissions are finally coming out. However, every day I spend checking the mail is just another disappointment and further anticipation. The emails seem to not come at all, and even the financial aid I applied for seemed to be processing in such a slow pace. With every second I wait, my anticipation grows, and my fears along with it. This whole week of waiting has caused great stress over me.

I am unable to spend time with her lately. It's killing me. It seems like I can never find a time where I can just see her for at minimum an hour. The rehearsal has preoccupied both of us, and we are both tired out by the end of the day to call each other. Also, it seems though that whenever I try to make time to spend it with her, she refuses or is unable to go. Those days where I could just spend it entirely with her seems to be quite impossible now. I feel great fear over this, and I fight against my own thoughts that the fears I think about. Indeed, it has been awhile since I've been able to spend it with her. Backwards was a night that I thought I could be with her. Oh how was I wrong. Despite the whole night of spending it with her, it seemed to me that something was bugging her. Part of me feels that she doesn't want to go to things like dances. Perhaps I am becoming too attached.

Finally, Many of my homework assignments have been piling up recently. What do I blame? The musical. Seriously. I have biology, statistics, and english homework thats being pushed back due to rehearsals. I don't think I can even complete them all on time. Kill me now.

All Aboard the Fail Boat

Now Playing: Ne-Yo - Stay



Dang, so recently, alot of my academics are at its lowest. I think it's the senioritis kicking in. I have a D in two classes, and I am pretty sure I am on academic probation. The musical is one of the reasons why I'm in this mess. Practice is until 7pm, and that does not give enough time for me to study. Argh. Once its over, I'm pretty sure I can bump it up though. So far, I have been accepted to Cal Poly, Cal State LA, and Riverside. Wow, none of them are that great.

Anyhow, tomorrow is backwards. I was thinking about dressing with a shirt that has a dandelion and a lion in it, with my date. Don't understand why? Go youtube "bump of chicken dandelion". Haha, yes. Thats where I got the idea from. Hopefully it'll turn out cool.

Graduation is in 3 months. Should I start counting? Ugh. It seems so far, yet close. Its a feeling almost every senior hates. Well i'm going to stop blogging, the only reason I did today was to try implementing a new music player. Hehe.

OH YEAH! I can drive now! :]. Woo. Party!

A New Chapter?

I hate Imeem! They only give snippets of songs :[. Lame.

It's been awhile since i blogged. And nope, this blog is not dead. Just not used. It's 5:10AM right now, and I just completed my essay. So why am I blogging all of a sudden? Well, first theres this little girl of mine that seems oh so curious about my life, and I'm sure she'll read this. HI :). Secondly, I logged on to aim and found a blog I had posted two years back. It's nice to read how I was feeling back then and somehow understand what I was trying to say. It's kind of like meeting the past you and seeing if you're compatible with each other. Heh.

Anyhow, for the past few weeks, everything has been quite hectic. I signed up as a lead role for the upcoming musical. Oh what have I gotten myself in to. But I think the dates that I find the most significant were New Years, Winterball, and Jan19. :). Oh yeah! Winterball is finally over. Yep. All those stressful posts about Winterball are finally done. You know how you watch those shows where everything seemed to be against the protagonist, but in the end, it all turns out for the better? Well, It seems like I just lived through that one chapter. Around the corner, however, is just another story waiting. :).

I've also found myself feeling as though I have ADD recently. It seems to me that without any stressful work or responsibilities, and senioritis kicking in as well, I am quite insecure. I end up taking up tasks that show I have nothing else better to do. Maybe that's why I tried out for the musical. Then again, rehearsals usually consist of sitting around for about 20 minutes, waiting for a scene to end, and then rehearsing my lines for about 5 minutes. This is a rinse-repeat cycle that usually lasts about 3 hours. Oh boy. Kill me now. Anyhow, thats enough blogging. I shall take a shower, cook some breakfast, and start my day off going to school! Bye :).